Ugh! Stop trying to be a perfect parent.

Do you pin a million things a week?

Have you read all the latest parenting books?

Are you loosing sleep over that fight with your kid?

Did you buy ice cream to sooth your soul, with NO intention of sharing it?

It's O.K. I did too. All of the above. For so many years. I strove for perfection even as I said I didn't care.

But, last year? I finally snapped. I quit striving for perfection and started striving for honesty and apologies. What I found was, the benefit of my kids seeing me as a real person, who has flaws, makes mistakes and owns up to them both... has created kids more prepared to do the same.

In all honesty ;) it came from a moment of frustration. I was pulling out of the parking lot from my job, with my three kids buckled in the back. I had a fabulous job that actually allowed me to bring them! What? Sounds pretty great. And it was. It was also stressful. After spending my shift trying to 'watch' my kids and make sure they were acting appropriately, being treated by others appropriately and still doing my actual work... I was emotionally exhausted. Honestly, I wanted to quit my job. But I couldn't. Addicus was out of town and I knew, that there was no relief waiting at home for me. I would have to decide on and then make a dinner. And of course, the kids were bickering. I felt the screaming rise in my brain. I stopped.

I froze my brain, pulled back into the parking spot, took a deep breath and turned to them.

I explained, honestly, how I was stressed when they behaved the way they had at my job. I explained why it stressed me out. I explained how all that was related to the fact that I felt I couldn't quit because that money was for paying down a debt and buying jamba juice and movie tickets when we wanted. I explained how daddy was out of town and I would have to figure out dinner when we got home. I explained all of this to wide eyes that listened quietly.

Then, I asked for help. I told them exactly what they could do to make our evening better.

The evening was possibly the best one we'd had in a long time.

Now, when I'm feeling stressed and angry, I get honest. I sit down and explain to my kids what I'm feeling. Does it always work as well as that first day? Of course not. They are people too and will not always accept my conversations the same way. Just like adults. But I still try.

I've also taken my honesty a step further. I admit when I'm wrong.

There are times I forget my honesty policy and I loose my temper. Yelling and screaming can follow, and do. The trick?

When I'm calmed down... and they're calmed down. I make sure to seek them out, purposefully, and apologize for my outburst.

We all have bad days. It's alright to have them. It's NOT alright to treat people poorly because of it. This is the lesson I'm constantly trying to teach them. So why wouldn't I model it? When I say I'm sorry. My sweet babies always say 'It's ok.' Because they know that's an expected response.

I stop them and say 'No. It's not ok.'. Because it's not. Kids are conditioned to believe that yelling and screaming at them IS alright. But it's NOT. They have no self defense, that fact, makes it not alright.

If you're grumpy at work, and you snap at a colleague, they can walk away. They can choose to leave you alone. They can say 'dude, that was uncalled for' or 'what's your problem'.

Can your kids say that? If they thought to, and did, would you allow it. Honestly? In your grumpy state of mind, would you hear their words and think, 'wow, I am a little snappy' or would you hear SASS and send them to their room? Honestly?

I didn't think so. This means that, as parents, we MUST take the step of admitting we're wrong whenever it exists. It's HARD! But it's SO good for your kids to see.

First: You're creating a level of trust between you and your child that will transcend bad days and grumpy moods.

Second: You're telling them that it's alright to have bad days. It's alright to make poor choices, it happens to everyone. What's important is how you deal with it.

Third: You're making it clear that they are NOT to be treated poorly. Not even by their most trusted adults.

Do you know someone who could have benefited from an honest parent? I do. Victims who think their treatment is justified because the one doing the harm is a trusted adult... Nope. My kids will never confuse a trusted adult with their poor actions. My kids will know, from MY example, when they are due an apology. My kids will come to EXPECT said apology. My kids will learn to give such an apology freely and whenever they've made a poor choice that has affected others.

What more could a mother want? Than for her kids to be kind, and honest. And I'm not blind to where that starts... right here. With me.

Let us know how you model honesty with your kids.

Taps, taps. Lights out.

#militaryfamily #parenting #honesty #sorry #apologising #modelbehaviors #goodexamples